Hood Rat

 
As any of you humans who have ever seen a rat or mouse scuttle across a room know, we rodents have a need for speed. So it was to the delight of the entire rodent community when the rat rod phenomenon became pawpular several years back. These bare-bones, street-ready, not-so-hot rods, which can only be described as ratted out inside and out, are perfect for habitation by critters who live in less than sanitary conditions. Plus, the bite marks and occasional droppings we leave behind on the upholstery only add to the rat rod’s ambiance.
 
For months now I’ve been working on a rat of my own – in miniature, of course. By and large it has come together quite micely – er, nicely. Putting the tires on was no problem since, being made of rubber myself, I’m a kindred spirit to the Goodyear, and once or twice I could have sworn I heard an ancestor squeak me a greeting from the great beyond. Installing the ratiator wasn’t a problem either – I am, after all, adept at keeping cool in any heated situation. That catalytic converter, however, was a nightmare – the cat kept clawing at me!
 
Last night I put the final bolt into place and christened my ride Rattitude. Soon she’ll get her test, because just as you humans have your rat race, we rodents have ours. Every Raturday night rodents across the country take to the sewers to drag race our small-scale rat rods (“ratties” we call them). Next week Rattitude and I have a showdown with the fastest rats in Ratlanta in the pipeline under 14th Street.
 
My competition will be fierce, but I have a secret weapon: Gus, my flatulent best friend, is riding along. As soon as we cross the pipes under West Peachtree Gus is going to hit the gas – literally. That blast of noxious oxide is certain to blow the competition away! (But don’t worry about him blowing a hole in the roadway above: Gus’s backside emissions are street-legal.)
 
There’s no doubt that we three have a long rat-race career ahead of us, and that by the end of it my rodentist will have grown tired of picking bugs out of my incisors. But I’m excited: with an attitude of Rattitude and my comrat Gus, I can give even Speedy Gonzalez a run for his cheese crumbs!
 
Keepin’ it squeak,

Bob

For the Love of Cheese!

 
America celebrates so many wonderful pawlidays: Infleapendence Day, Groundhog Day, and of course Christmouse. But by far the best, in my humble ratty opinion, is today: National Cheese Lover’s Day.
 
Just think: 24 whole hours dedicated to the adoration of cheese, glorious cheese! As we squeak, cheese-tasting parties are happening across the country, people everywhere enjoying any of the 900+ cheeses made worldwide. I have a mind to sneak a nibble of each type today while the humans aren’t looking. But with so many, I might need a little more time to sample them all … oh, rats. (Not!)
 
What’s not to love about cheese? Everything’s to love about cheese! What better way is there to enjoy a pot of fondue but with cheese? And would it taste as good if you topped your pizza with tomato sauce alone? What keeps the chicken happy in its quesadilla except the gooey bliss it’s swimming in? And who puts the “Mac Daddy” in everyone’s favorite macaroni dish but cheese? And hey, let’s give appreciation to the slices we consume straight up – like my naked mole rat friends squeak, there’s nothing better than going in-the-buff.
 
Sure, doc-rats blame its high fat content for the rising epidemic of cheese bellies and its tendency to cause “internal backups” (if you know what I mean), but cheese is also credited with strengthening the enamel of our incisors and helping lull us into rat naps.
 
So on this special pawliday, Carpe Cheesem: Seize the Cheese, and don’t wine about it tomorrow – the constipation is worth it for a day!
 
Keepin’ it squeak,

Bob

Cat-and-Mouse Game

 
Right now is a hot time for video game release in the human world. You might be surprised to know that, despite our poor eyesight, video games are very pawpular in the rat realm too! This year’s trendy titles include Becheweled, Guitar Flearo, and The Fast and the Furriest.
 
By far, however, the most sought-after one is Cat-and-Mouse Game. Like real-life cat-and-mouse games the rodent always wins, and, utilizing the latest smell-o-vision technology (yet to catch on in the human world but highly developed by lab rats in ours), completing each level rewards you with the smell of a different cheese.
 
Also like real cat-and-mouse games, the chase is never-ending! A pawsome way to maximize cheese crumb value for rats who spend all day in the basements of their mothers’ burrows instead of working for a living, and therefore possess little to none of this rodent currency. And because it’s played on the computer instead of a console, it takes maximum advantage of our paw-eye coordination. (After all, only rodents know how to best use a computer mouse.)
 
So watch your feet for a rat rush on all video game stores located close to sewers, as rodents everywhere scurry to get their paws on this coveted Cat-and-Mouse. Without a doubt it’ll maintain its pawpularity, so long as human game programmers – who also live in their mothers’ basements (and love their mothers’ cats) – don’t design the game to give us a real feline at the end!
 
Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob

Chew Through to the New

 
Alas: we’ve chewed our way into 2013, and I’ve chewed my way through several pawliday cheese platters over the last several days. (Thanks to all of you who invited me to your New Year’s Eve party, and again, I apawlogize for the bite marks in the brie.)
 
Squeaking – er, speaking – of bite marks, chew on this: an estimated 45% of Americans made a New Year’s resolution nearly a week ago. And since there’s approximately one rat for every human in these fifty nifty United States, we can estimate that that same number of rats – 315 million – did likewise.
 
Here are the top 10 ratty resolutions for the New Year:

1. Refrain from chewing non-food objects; there are better ways of keeping incisors trimmed.
2. Learn something new. Self-application of flea medicine is on the top of my list.
3. Travel. Explore sewers in different cities.
4. Read more. Popular titles include How to Avoid Mousetraps and The World Encyclopedia of Cheese.
5. Listen more; squeak less.
6. Lose the cheese belly. Stay fit with daily scuttles on the hamster wheel.
7. Improve finances by saving more cheese crumbs.
8. Spend more time making a – I mean, with – family.
9. Construct a map of the house detailing all the passageways the cat can’t get into.
10. Taste a new cheese every week.

As you can see, we rodents have lots to nibble in the New Year.
 
I hope your 2013 is off to a squeak, and if you’re among the 45% of humans (or rats) who made a resolution, I hope your commitment becomes completion. (If you need a little encouragement, sniff out my blog Rattled Resolutions from 2011.) In the meantime, may your back be furry and your fleas quite few as you scuttle along in this year all new!
 
Keepin’ it squeak,

Bob