Scratch n’ Sniff

   
The summer months have arrived at last! With it comes sunshine, scuttles to the beach, and no shortage of scraps left from humans’ backyard barbeques. Unfurtunately, summer also brings the itch. In several past blogs I’ve mentioned my disdain of fleas and mosquitos, so this year I decided to search in earnest for a pest control solution. (No, I don’t mean a solution to myself! How could you even think that rats are pests? Holy hairballs!)
 
First I tried the vinegar bath suggested by a Google search. I made the mistake of doing so while my human family was cooking dinner. Big Burly Pop knocked over the dill weed by mistake, and I ended up smelling like pickled rodent. Repulsive to fleas and mosquitos for sure, but also to me. After all, I like eating food, not smelling like food!
  

Next I tried that solar-powered ultrasonic pest-repellant device. I don’t know about the fleas or mosquitos, but it rattled my incisors so much that I knew I’d be visiting the rodentist faster than Speedy Gonzales can squeak “Andale!” if I kept it around! So that method got tossed out of the burrow.
 
After that I yanked one of those super-fine-toothed combs through my fur to pull the little guys out. I don’t think I removed any bugs, but I did end up looking like the rodent version of Tina Turner!
 
Then one of my hippie hamster friends recommended some essential oils. He blended me a batch of peppermint, thyme, and basil oils and stirred it like he was caught in a hamster wheel. Everything seemed to be going fine until the end, when instead of infusing the mix with three drops of tea tree oil, he grabbed the tea flea oil by mistake. I left there attracting the buggers like Santa Claus to a candy cane! (And smelling like a candy cane, too!)
 
Finally I pulled out all the stops and raided my human family’s stash. I got the citronella candle bucket, the skin-moisturizing bug spray, and even the insect repellent with the forbidden chemical DEET. I was so desperate that I even overcame my terror of the picture of the cat on the box and broke into the family feline’s flea medicine. (Besides, if he’s busy scratching, he won’t be able to chase me, right?) And just in case those evil critters got through, I decided to head itches off at the pass: I’ve got Benadryl, hydrocortisone, and calamine on standby.
 
So here I sit, covered from muzzle to tail in I don’t even know what! All this gook is rather scratchy, and one whiff by my sniffer tells me that I’m probably a repugnant rodent right now. Do I think this will repel the nasties? When guinea pigs fly! I think I’ll just have to make do with a back scratcher this summer!
 
Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob

Truth in Ratvertising

 
I’ve become convinced that Blogspot is trying to kill me!
 
On the upper right and bottom left corners of my blog page, Blogspot hosts banner advertisements. And Blogspot, like many Web services, is smart: it selects ads based on keywords that come up throughout the blog. Most of the time, this is a good thing: bloggers and their readers pawstensibly might indeed like to see advertising targeted to what they’re scratching about.
 
In this case, however, things have backfired. For some odd reason, Blogspot assumes Bob’s Blogs readership consists of humans only, and that – oh, it’s unsqueakable! – all humans think rodents are vermin! What else could explain the “Mouse Prevention Tips” and “Kill Your Roof Rats” ads I so often see when my beady red eye drifts around the page? Or perhaps worst of all, ads for cat treats! It’s prepawsterous!
 
Although rats have generally poor eyesight, even I can see that Blogspot’s keyword search does not consider context. But every now and then I’ll get a little treat of my own, and look down and see, to my whiskery delight, an ad for cheese. There’s definitely truth in that ratvertising!
 
Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob

Like My Rattus

 
You probably know about Facebook, the most popular social networking Website on the planet. In previous blogs you may have heard me mention Muzzlebook, which we rodents prefer. It’s a great way to procratstinate, keep up with our 150 offspring, and squeak about what’s eating us, like fleas.
 
A pawpular trend for human Facebook users, especially among teens, is something called “Like My Status.” In the status bar, the person writes something along the lines of “Like my status and I will [fill in the blank].” Friends then click the individual’s “Like” button to like the status, and pawstensibly the person does whatever the status action says.
 
This craze has caught on among our adolescent rodent population with a variant called “Like My Rattus.” Here are some pawpular Like My Rattus sayings:
 
Like My Rattus and I will …
… tell you what I think of you as: my comrat, oppawnent, or BRF (best rat forever).
… tell you how hot you are, or if you should grow a fur coat.
… give you a random nickname. (Flea-bitten is not off the table.)
… tell you your best feature: muzzle or tail.
… tell you whether you’ll be the richest rat in town or as poor as a church mouse when you grow up.
… tell you whether I’ll give you chewelry or cheese crumbs for your next birthday.
… tell you if I think you’re a country mouse or a street rat.
… tell you whether you’re a flearo or a rat fink.
… tell you if you make me melt in your paws, like cheese fondue.
… tell you whether you’re strong, like Stilton, or mild, like mozzarella.
 
As you can see, our teens are a bit rambunctious; in the throes of their raging hormones, they don’t always keep the nice-mice etiquette they were raised with. Thankfully I’m a bit beyond those angst-filled adolescent days, but I still like to keep it squeak with Muzzlebook status updates. So although I won’t tell you we should go dumpster diving or that you remind me of Chuck E. Cheese if you Like My Rattus, please sniff around my Muzzlebook page and give me a “Like” anyway at www.facebook.com/bobtherat!
 
Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob