Thursday, November 28, 2013

A Rodential Thanksgivukkah

 
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and happy Hanukkah too!
 
This year the two holidays fall on the same day, a sight not seen by rats or humans since 1888 and one that won’t be seen again for more than 79,000 years! (I wonder if rodents will have super-sonic sniffers by then.)
 
My mousey wife Bobette and I have been enjoying the pawliday with family and friends. While our human family didn’t feel quite bold enough to let us scurry on the table, they did put down a whole plate-full of heaping Thanksgiving helpings, with potato pancake latkes and extra mac n’ cheese – how mice! Er, nice. The pups have had fun spinning on top of the toy dreidel, and we’ve even had visits from my friends, Gus and Slim. Health-obsessed Slim happily laid aside his healthy eating habits for the day and clawed into whatever he could find – in fact, you can still see his incisor marks in the cheesecake. And Gus, who has an affinity for foul foods, was gracious enough to curb his disgusting diet for one meal.
 
And so we now sit – or lounge, rather – happily digesting a wonderful Thanksgivukkah meal. (Even the pups have given the dreidel a rest.) I now have time to reflect, so in honor of the converging holidays here’s my Hanukkah-themed thankful Thanksgiving list:
 
  1. That Jews consider rat meat unclean and therefore unfit for consumption.
  2. That the humans, a Christian family, follow their Jewish roots in that aspect!
  3. That cheesecake was once again on the dessert menu.
  4. That the pups didn’t toss their cheese balls while spinning on that dreidel top.
  5. That Slim, who is Jewish, always helps us keep things kosher. (And by that, I mean pawsome.)
  6. That the family cat has had more of an interest in his cardboard box than in scurrying rodents today.
  7. That yarmulkes make great nesting places.
  8. That the gelts, Hanukkah’s traditional gifts of money, are given in cheese crumbs.
  9. That Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song keeps everyone squeaking – er, laughing.
  10. That this Festival of Lights keeps things bright, and reminds us to be thankful for our Creator, our Savior, and each other.
 
Thankfully keepin’ it glowing,
Bob

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Energizer Rattit

 
Whew! Sometimes life can be exhausting. All the scuttling about can really wear a rat down. Recently I decided to do some experimentation to see if I might pep myself up, so to squeak – er, speak. After all, I’m not too far removed from my days in the laboratory, and experimentation is what lab rats do best, right?
 
One tired evening I scuttled to the grocery store and sneaked into the stock room. First I found the energy drinks, then washed down some caffeine pills with Mountain Dew. Then I found the pièce de résistance – coffee, of course – and just bit right into the grounds. Sure, it tasted awful, but haven’t you heard what diets rats have? We eat some pretty foul garbage! (Literally.) And besides, I followed it up (rather quickly) with some chocolate-dipped cheese cubes. Yum. (Hey, don’t knock it till you try it!) And don’t worry, before leaving the store I paid for everything: I dropped some cheese crumbs into the register when the cashier wasn’t looking. I hope they take “Swiss” currency. (Get it?)
 
Needless to say that by the time I scuttled out, my scuttler was scuttlin’ faster than Speedy Gonzales! Forget Hickory Dickory DockI’m the one who could set a land-speed record racing up that clock! And just like that bunny who sells batteries – you know the one – I just kept going and going and going and going. (Only I was like a lifleaum battery. Get that one?) I had more energy than my starch-filled octuplet rice offspring (which is what you get when rats marry mice) and my longsuffering wife, Bobette the Mouse, finally put her paw down.
 
She needn’t have bothered, though, because in just a few hours I got the worst caffeine crash imaginable. I felt like Mighty Mouse had suddenly lost his ability to fly, and fell from the stratosphere to smack the canyon floor in a comedic puff of smoke. Belly pains, irritability, muzzle aches – I had it all. And the rebound insomnia … unflealievable! I didn’t sleep for eight days!
 
Needless to say, this little experimentation ended in flea-bitten failure. From now on I’ll try to take more rat naps during the day, and sure as anything I’m sticking to decaf!
 
Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Home Sweet Hovel




For the past several weeks I’ve been a rat on the move, which you might have noticed from my pawcity of blog posts. In fact, this whole pawtumn has been quite busy for both me and the human who translates my rat squeaks into English! While some may think I’ve been procratstinating with the blog, I’ve really just been a ragged rat. Furtunately my travels have ceased for a while, and I’ve returned to the place I love best: my hovel.

My hovel, with my magnifleacent mousey wife, Bobette; my hovel, with our rambunctious rats + mice = rice hybrid octuplets (I’ve even missed their boundless energy, courtesy of all that starch); and, of course, my hovel with my human family. (Every now and then I can nuzzle in a snuggle.) Even Ratlanta, with its fleaspicable traffic, is a welcome sight to my beady red eyes! (Besides, I know a lot of shortcuts through the sewer pipes and can get around pretty well!)

So while I do enjoy traveling, I think I’ll make my paws stay put for a spell. Time to spend time with the fam, catch up on my cheese eating, and scratch out some writing. I hope to see you in the weeks to come, for you are always welcome in my home sweet hovel.

Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob