Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Easter Rattit

 
So just how many of you humans awoke this morning to find that the Easter Rabbit had paid you a visit? Perhaps he left you some eggs and a little bit of chocolate (and, if you were especially nice, a toy or two)? Well, we in the Rat hovel had a visitation ourselves, not by the Easter Rabbit – he’s too big to fit into the entrance hole – but by the Easter Rattit.
 
Much as in your human tradition, the Easter Rattit comes and leaves us colored eggs, but instead of being hard-boiled like the chicken eggs you have, the ones he leaves for us are filled with cheese. Ooey gooey cheese, like melted cheddar; soft, succulent cheese, like brie; cheese with a twang, like bleu (those ones come in blue Easter eggs), and, of course, the favorite of every rodent: stringy mozzarella … it tends to get caught in our whiskers, so we always have a snack for later.
 
My wife, Bobette the Mouse, and I and our Rats + Mice = Rice hybrid octuplet offspring, Harry, Larry, Barry, Jerry, Mary, Sherry, Kerry, and Terry were all very excited to crack out of the nestlet first thing this morning. I didn’t even have to scuttle into the boys’ room to get them moving, as I do so many days (they’re not quick-minute rice); no, they jumped right out of bed – hopping as high as your native Rabbit – to scurry out and see what had been brought! And sure enough, we were all happy to see with our little rodent eyes that the Easter Rattit didn’t disappoint: in fact, instead of just a basketful, he left a whole platter of eggs … yummy, cheese-filled Easter eggs. Oh what a delight the coming days will be!
 
So as you and yours try to cope henceforth with the crashes that will come following the sugar highs and me and mine deal with what we know will be bad cases of dairy-induced constipation, I hope all of us can say we had a “hoppy” Easter. And if you find you’re in the mood for some cheese, just go for the blue eggs … they’re delicious.
 
Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Squeaky Clean

 
Yesterday was a squeaktacious day as this rat romped round and round the little town of Rex. And just why was I romping? Well, I wasn’t romping so much as I was cleaning. Yesterday in the village of Rex, a suburb located on the south side of Ratlanta, the humans and I had a cleanup day as part of the Great American Cleanup movement. We planted flowers; we trashed the trash; we dumped out debris; it was pawsome indeed.
  
Yes, yes, you might be wondering why a rat has an interest in anything to do with the word clean – especially one who relies on Mother Nature for baths and holds company with some pawticularly hygiene-challenged friends. But let me remind you that I moonlight as a dumpster cleaner and am owner of and foreman (er, make that forerat) at Sludge-Be-Gone, the best sewer-scrubbing company in the city. And as I mention quite articulately on my Muzzlebook page, I am indeed adept at keeping my whiskers clean.
 
So let it come as no surprise to you that this ratical rodent was quite keen to help clean with the residents of Rex, and though I did leave at the end of the day with soil on my fur and dirt underneath my claws (my little rat paws were too small to fit into the human-sized work gloves), to hear the Rex residents rave at the rat-tastic results was well worth the hard work indeed.
 
Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob

Sunday, April 10, 2011

The Awesome Pawsome

    
      It was a dark and stormy night. Under the streets of Ratlanta, a horrendous plot was being devised from four of the most devastating super-villains of all time, a scheme that would bring the bustling metropolis to its knees. From an underground lair hidden deep within the leaky city sewers, The Rattler, Catwoman, Malevolent Muskrat, and Pawful Possum huddled close together in thought, hatching a plan to steal the entire city’s American cheese!
 
    “Without their American cheese, none of the humans will be able to make grilled cheese sandwiches,” The Rattler hissed.
     “They’ll have to switch to peanut butter and jelly,” Catwoman purred to her rat snake partner in crime.
     “They’ll all have peanut butter breath,” Malevolent Muskrat grinned hideously, letting out a very stinky seethe of satisfaction from between his green, rotted teeth.
     “Their tongues will stick to the roofs of their mouths!” said Pawful Possum, as he curled his scaly tail in delight.
     “And with all the American cheese in our possession,” The Rattler concluded, “every rodent in Ratlanta will be squeaking boo-hoo as we eat our fill!”
 
 
      Little did they know that in another part of the city, Punxsutawney Phil, down from Pennsylvania visiting his good friends, Ratman and Bobin, was hot on the heels of their paws of crime. (Furtunately for the citizens of Ratlanta this prominent prognosticator could predict more than just the weather.)
 
      “Holy hairballs, Ratman!” Bobin squeaked after hearing Phil’s updates on the evil cheese-stealing plans of the super-villains. “We’ll need help to handle this!”
     “You’re right, my faithful sidekick,” Ratman exclaimed; “this is a job for ‘The Awesome Pawsome’!”
 
     Without a moment’s hesitation he scurried out and lit up the Rat-Signal, a giant paw print in the sky that let the rodent heroes of Ratlanta know there was a call to action. In the shake of a whisker all had gathered at the Rat Cave, a little hole-in-the-wall dug into the heart of the municipal sewer system giving the heroes quick access to crime-fighting on the city streets above.
 
     “It won’t be hard to find out where they’re gathering everything,” said Super Sniff; “I can smell Malevolent Muskrat’s rancid breath miles and miles away!”
    “Indeed, once we know where they’re hiding, it will only be a matter of searching before we discover where the cheese is hidden,” replied The Great Mouse Detective, holding his magnifying glass close in front of his muzzle.
     “And once we’ve sniffed out those villains, as my smell-sensitive comrat pointed out, it will only be a matter of paw-wrestling them into submission!” exclaimed Mighty Mouse, flexing his muscular mousey biceps.
     “Let’s scuttle to it, then!” exclaimed Ratman. “Sniff – do your thing!”
 
 
     Within minutes Super Sniff’s stupendous snout led the rodent heroes to the super-villains’ lair, and it was only a moment later that The Great Mouse Detective found where the stores of American cheese were hidden.
 
    “Here we come to save the day!” Mighty Mouse’s squeak rang out joyously as The Awesome Pawsome scampered down on the unsuspecting evildoers. For a moment it was all scuffling:
 
     Bam!
     Whap!
     Pow!
     Scratch!
 
     And soon thereafter the super-villainous cuatro found themselves tied up with one of The Rattler’s recently shed snake skins.
 
     “Rats … foiled again!” they all exclaimed.
    “You rotten ratscals,” Ratman scolded, “you should know you’re no match for The Awesome Pawsome!”
 
    And so the citizens of Ratlanta, human and rodent alike, can be thankful that The Awesome Pawsome has come to yet another rat-tastic rescue, and we can rest assured that our squeaktacular superheroes will always be with us, fighting for truth, justice, and the American cheese!
 
Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob

Monday, April 4, 2011

Barely Squeaking By

 
With the recent rains in Ratlanta flushing blockages in the sewers away (even that particularly large one under Fourth Street), my fellow sewer inspectors and I at Sludge-Be-Gone have had trouble sniffing out work. Indeed, it seems like the only foul aromas drifting our way are emanating from the odiferous colonies of muskrats who reside in the city zoo. So we’ve been forced to change our specialty to cleaning out dumpsters. Fortunately the nastiness therein still fits the word “Sludge” in our company’s title, so that’s ratical.
 
Problem is, cleaning out dumpsters isn’t nearly as lucrative as mucking out sewers, mainly owing to the fact that dumpsters are much smaller than the miles of leaky pipes underground. I’ve had to take a 75% cut in my cheese crumb salary, and that’s making it a little difficult to feed my brood. My wife, Bobette the Mouse, and our Rats + Mice = Rice hybrid octuplets, Harry, Larry, Barry, Jerry, Mary, Sherry, Kerry, and Terry, are taking it in stride, but as the family provider I feel like it’s cutting into my self-esteem as a husband and father.
 
Because of this I recently decided to take a second job as a fry cook at a Chinese restaurant. Doing so has had several benefits: (1) I’ve been able to boost my cheese crumb income; (2) access to their dumpster has scuttled up more business at Sludge-Be-Gone; and (3) I’ve become adept at making Cream of Sumyung Cat. Not bad for a ratty day’s work.
 
So even in the midst of the economic recession and the clog-clearing, sewer-robbing rains frequenting Ratlanta (we’re expecting another pawful round of storms tonight), I have reason to look at the bright side: not only am I able to provide for my family and have a little fun doing it, I now also have a new dumpster-cleaning branch of services I can offer at Sludge-Be-Gone.
 
Until next blog, stay pawsitive and squeaktacularly rat-tastic.
 
Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob