Ratical Changes

 

Midterm flealections were held this past Tuesday for the American people and rodents alike, and just as you humans saw a dramratic shift in the balance of power nationwide, we too experienced great change in our squirrelitical landscape.

In Wrongress, the Burrow of Ratresentatives saw the loss of many Democratic seats to the Fleapublicans, but flealection results in several key rattleground states did not result in a transfer of power in the Democratic Senate majority. Despite this, the new Squeaker of the House expressed optimism that legislation believed to be against the will of the American rodents will no longer be passed through.

Tensions between both parties have been running high since before the flealections of 2008. Even the representation of their rodent squirrelitical emblems brings about a clash of characteristics and ideologies that drives deep wedges between these groups. Democrats, symbolized by the blue woodchuck (also known as the groundhog), have chosen this rodent because of its independence, aggressiveness, and tenacity in defending both itself and the principles for which it stands. Additionally, because the woodchuck’s tail is small, Dems say “You can be sure we won’t tuck our tail between our legs in fear.” Fleapublicans counter this by exclaiming that the woodchuck’s two fur coats are a perfect repfleasentation of the Democrats’ nature: the outer coat is only a pretty façade for the dark layer underneath. They also cite the animal’s crooked spine as the true mindset of left-leaning Dems, and state that the woodchuck’s need to hibernate during the winter accurately reflects what this party does in reality: they sleep through what’s happening, fulfill only their own needs, and are oblivious to the will of the American rodents. Fleapublicans, on the other paw, represented by the red hamster, say this rodent’s ability to stuff food into its cheek pouches and carry it back to the burrow in order to stockpile and feed its family is symbolic of the party’s dedication to preservation, protection, and provision. They also pride themselves as being colorblind, just like the hamster, embracing and valuing all rodents. Dems counter this by claiming that the hamster’s nearsightedness is a clear representation that this party cannot make proper decisions for shaping the future (and it is well known what great prognosticators groundhogs are — just ask Punxsutawney Phil) and that the fragile bones of this tiny rodent indicate that Fleapublicans will break under change.

Woodchucks and hamsters alike battled each other on many key issues, from cat population control to cleaner sewers to urban development, with party members wanting to devote funds and efforts so that our rodent pups may aspire to be something greater than ’hood rats. Two of the biggest issues, however, centered around healthcare and the economy. Democrats, having successfully pushed a bill through Wrongress mandating that all rodents — who are seen by humans as carriers of sickness and disease — obtain their own health coverage, scuffled bitterly with Fleapublicans who claimed that because rodents are such ardent self-groomers and therefore don’t even need baths, this legislation is completely unnecessary as well as a violation of an individual’s ratty rights. In terms of our financial system, hamsters claim that the trillion cheese-crumb bailout designed to boost the economy hasn’t worked. These Fleapublicans squeak the fact that unemployment has reached into double digits, and that so many American rodents are forced to beg in the streets (scaring and grossing out humans) or scrounge around in the sewers for whatever scraps they can find, is proof that this Democrat-driven economy is the worst it’s been since the Great Cheesession. Fleabates along the campaign tail were fierce, with much chucking of insults by blue woodchucks and no shortage of counterattacks by red hamsters, and at times there were fears that fratricide might break out. (Thankfully, such extreme actions were never taken.)

In yet another development, the Flea Party faction has come into prominence on our squirrelitical scene. Largely consisting of rodents with conservrative or libratarian views, members of this gratsroots movement are angry with the increasing size of government and wasteful spending of American taxpayers’ cheese crumbs. They believe the ideals of left-pawers will lead us into a giant mouse trap, and feel that no one on Capivole Hill is listening to the will of the rodents. They ardently oppose the progratsive ideals of the Liberal Left, and have thrown their support to candidrats that uphold their views.

In the end, voters’ results showed that most rodents agreed. While not everyone subscribes to some Fleapublicans’ convictions that the leftist groundhogs are driving our country into the ground, it is apparent that the majority of our nation’s rodents feel that not all change — touted so fervently by the Democrats during the 2008 flealection — is good. This point in particular clearly supports the old adage that “The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”

Keepin’ it squeak,

Bob