Whew! Sometimes life can be exhausting. All the scuttling about can really wear a rat down. Recently I decided to do some experimentation to see if I might pep myself up, so to squeak – er, speak. After all, I’m not too far removed from my days in the laboratory, and experimentation is what lab rats do best, right?
One tired evening I scuttled to the grocery store and sneaked into the stock room. First I found the energy drinks, then washed down some caffeine pills with Mountain Dew. Then I found the pièce de résistance – coffee, of course – and just bit right into the grounds. Sure, it tasted awful, but haven’t you heard what diets rats have? We eat some pretty foul garbage! (Literally.) And besides, I followed it up (rather quickly) with some chocolate-dipped cheese cubes. Yum. (Hey, don’t knock it till you try it!) And don’t worry, before leaving the store I paid for everything: I dropped some cheese crumbs into the register when the cashier wasn’t looking. I hope they take “Swiss” currency. (Get it?)
Needless to say that by the time I scuttled out, my scuttler was scuttlin’ faster than Speedy Gonzales! Forget Hickory Dickory Dock – I’m the one who could set a land-speed record racing up that clock! And just like that bunny who sells batteries – you know the one – I just kept going and going and going and going. (Only I was like a lifleaum battery. Get that one?) I had more energy than my starch-filled octuplet rice offspring (which is what you get when rats marry mice) and my longsuffering wife, Bobette the Mouse, finally put her paw down.
She needn’t have bothered, though, because in just a few hours I got the worst caffeine crash imaginable. I felt like Mighty Mouse had suddenly lost his ability to fly, and fell from the stratosphere to smack the canyon floor in a comedic puff of smoke. Belly pains, irritability, muzzle aches – I had it all. And the rebound insomnia … unflealievable! I didn’t sleep for eight days!
Needless to say, this little experimentation ended in flea-bitten failure. From now on I’ll try to take more rat naps during the day, and sure as anything I’m sticking to decaf!
Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob
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