The Rodent Weekly, Volume 2

 
A great flurry of activity has been going on within the rat community lately, so I figured now was an appropriate time to let you humans view a second installment of our preferred method of media dispersal, The Rodent Weekly. (You may remember Volume One from last October.) Here are the latest headlines regarding what’s up in the rat world:
 
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News: Rat Bailout Causes Concerns in Wake of Floods
Flooding in the Mississippi River is causing major concerns regarding a rodent mass exodus as rats bail out of ships in ratical amounts in the wake of the river’s cresting. Flood shelters, which have been set up in multiple states to house these drowned rats, are expected to reach capacity as rodents arrive in high numbers to escape the murky rush. The American Rat Cross has vowed to provide adequate nestlet fodder and sufficient stores of cheese to support each evacuee until the waters subside.
 
Weather: Last week’s storms expected to carry over into this one – forecasters predict 70% chance of raining cats and dogs Monday through Thursday. Best for rodents to stay inside.
 
Traffic: Recent rains have cleared blockage in sewer under Fourth Street; traffic flowing freely.
 
Sports: Mouse sets new speed record running up and down clock at Hickory Dickory Dock track.
 
Business: Economists predict lower grocery costs – including those for cheese – as oil and gas prices are anticipated to go down, but consumers have yet to set their beady little rodent eyes on the promised price plunge.
 
Classifieds: Job opening at Ratlanta Police Department for rodent able to translate “Hood Rat” squeaks.
 
Health: Mold in blue cheese recently claimed to be unhealthy for rodents, but findings are disputed by residents of cheese-producing regions. More research is needed by lab rats to make a definitive decision.
 
Fitness: Docrats extol virtues of latest exercise product to hit the markets, the Hamster Wheel 3000. The HW3K is said to have been instrumental in helping clock-running mouse train for success at Hickory Dickory Dock track.
 
Science and Technology: New eye-tracking software rumored to replace use of computer mouse in human electronics. Rodents in tech industry pushing for boycott of new product.
 
Music: Justin Beaver concert sold out at Ratlanta’s Fox Theater this Raturday night. (Security not an issue: foxes expected to keep cats at bay during concert.)
 
Events: Ratlanta Food and Wine Festival expected to be a smorgasbord of delight for the culinary-inclined, as it is widely known that cheese pairs particularly well with wine. Attendees are encouraged to feast to their ratty hearts’ delight, but cautioned to stay out of eye shot of humans.
 
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Thanks for sniffing around, and as before, do please continue to throw out your old newspapers once you’ve finished reading them … oh, what comfortable nestlet fodder they are.

Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob