Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Revenants of Rex


Ah, Halloween: that most haunted of holidays when we gather with one another to scare the fur off each other and bribe our little pups not to destroy our property by satiating them with sweets. We also come together to celebrate the arrival of autumn, carve jack-o-lanterns to ward off evil spirits, and host parties filled with frivolity and the wearing of costumes that draw out aspects of our personalities we would be ashamed to share any other time of year. (Thankfully I don’t need a costume on Halloween, and that’s good, because they don’t make many in my size.)

’Tis also a time for the sharing of ghost stories, the telling of tails (yes, I misspelled this on purpose) of the spirits who walk among us, wishing us harm or happiness, or having complete indifference. On the outskirts of my home in Ratlanta dwells a tiny town called Rex, whose history goes back more than a century-and-a-half. In Rex there stands an old one-lane bridge spanning a small creek, a dilapidated old grist mill, and several buildings in the heart of the town that are as old as the settlement itself. As the years have gone by a dam has been built just nigh of the bridge to tame the cascade of the creek, and a railroad track has been added about a stone’s throw from the old buildings. It is here that the Tail (also misspelled on purpose) of the Revenants of Rex begins.

My grandpaw lives close to Rex Mill, and loves to listen to the stories told of the town by the owner of the mill and his wife. In the spirit of the season, the mill’s owner recently imparted a tail (you guessed it, misspelled on purpose) so scary that it made Grandpaw’s whiskers stand on end. Apparently several revenants (which is another name for ghosts, phantasms, apparitions, and the like) haunt the little town of Rex; I present to you now three of their stories.

Although the dam is designed to reign in the rush of the creek, residents of past and present will tell you that during the torrential downpours that sometimes engulf Ratlanta the creek has been known to overflow it violently. Many years ago a mother and her child, caught up in one of these severe storms, were sadly drowned and are now said to haunt the bridge. On clear nights the residents claim that you can hear the child playing in the waters, while the mother gently calls his name to come home for supper.

In another tail (yep, misspelled on purpose), it is said that two suicide victims, having committed the acts that led to their demise within the town's borders, now roam the roads of Rex, and even, on occasion, appear in the yards of long-time residents. Ironic, it seems, that though their intent was to cut their lives short, they should ceaselessly walk the streets as the undead, forever trapped between this world and the next.

Finally there’s the tragic tail (misspelled on purpose, as you may have surmised) of a family killed while crossing the railroad tracks, who now traverse the trestles along the place of their passing. One can sometimes see their spirits slowly walking along the railway, only to vanish about a yard from the crossroads. On the anniversary of the accident it is said that a train whistle can be heard, even though no train approaches, as a phantom conductor warns future travelers to watch out for the train.

I hope I haven’t frightened your whiskers off – my grandpaw’s tails (have I misspelled it on purpose enough yet?) can be a little scary, even for creepy critters that crawl through the night like me. One thing is for sure, though: the things of which I am most afraid are the feral cats that live in the shadows of the mill!

Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Bob’s Jobs: Sewer Inspector

   
So far I’ve told you a lot about my leisure activities; now I’d like to tell you about my gainful employment. Not surprisingly, knowing my way around the underground, as you may imagine I inspect sewers. Quite a dirty way to make a living, but it brings home the bacon – er, make that cheese crumbs.
 
Working in the sewers is great because I get to see a lot of my friends, who make this grimy slice of heaven their home, every day I go to my job. However, you might be surprised to know that cockroaches are as prevalent as rats in the sewer. We rats have to scoop out our space in the sludge with the creepy critters, but we usually have the upper paw, because we’ll eat anything, including them.
 
The other day my team and I at Sludge-Be-Gone, the best sewer inspection company in Ratlanta, were on-site for a sewage backup under Fourth Street. Trudging through the poo and goo and things that make you go eew, my crew traced the problem to schmoo from the loo in a house on Highpoint View. Not shirking back from our dooties, we got straight to work, hauling in our ultimate sewage-cleaning tool: the Super Duper Pooper Scooper. We scraped and scrubbed and sucked that muck until the place was clean, and while some would have declared the site a biohazardous wasteland, we who were fearless, in the end (the rear end, that is), prevailed against the poo.
 
If you have a propensity for getting dirty and don’t mind crawling waist-deep in waste, we’ve got a job waiting for you at Sludge-Be-Gone. And to help you along I’ve written some words of encouragement. I present to you the Poo Poem:
  
Climbing through the grime and slime might not be that sublime,
Cleaning dumps from people’s rumps may not be worth your time,
But if you’re brave and not a knave then don’t go mow the lawn,
Your gloves put on and scrub the john until that poo is gone!
 
Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Critter Camping

  
Ah, how the lovely fall season has come upon us. Here in Ratlanta the leaves have begun to trade their shades of summer green for the beautiful hues of red, orange, yellow, and a myriad of other colorful combinations. Many have started falling from the trees, providing a nice crunchy substance with which I might build my nestlet.
 
With this change of seasons also comes an annual tradition of my human family: camping in the backwoods of Georgia’s marvelous state parks. This year’s trip took them to the beautiful High Falls, and because I’ve been needing a bit of an escape from the hustle and bustle of the city, I decided to sneak in as a stowaway among their belongings.
 
Things were going great until our second night there when Big Burly Pop discovered me. The family had just returned from a long hike and was ravenous, and as he was preparing dinner he spotted me scampering among the firewood. All of a sudden he got this gleam in his eye, a gleam that said, “Yum.” Sharpening his knife – a knife so large it made Crocodile Dundee’s look like a clam shucker – he slowly licked his lips and uttered phrases that made my whiskers curl in on each other. “Rat kabobs, rat dumplings, smoked buffalo-style rat … mmmmm,” he murmured, casting furtive glances in my direction.
 
Just as the onions and potatoes were coming to a boil I made a run for it, but Big Burly Pop’s reflexes were too quick for mine. My red rat eyes boggled and I squeaked in terror as he dangled me precariously over the fire, but thankfully his daughters stepped out of the tent at the last minute, shouting, “Bob, NO!” At that same instant another movement caught the eye of my would-be rat roaster. “Shrew stew!” he exclaimed, letting go of my tail, which allowed me to quickly scurry away. Thus my little black rat hide was saved from what would otherwise have been a swift and sordid demise.
 
Our camping trip came to a close, and – other than the shrew – everyone had a great time. If you have plans to enjoy nature in its element during this wonderful autumn season, by all means, go for it. For the sake of rodents everywhere, however, take along some sandwiches or something! Boiled peanuts, marshmallows, anything … just not us!
 
Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob

Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Rodent Weekly

   
As I understand it, most of you humans like to stay abreast of what’s happening in your world. Many of you read newspapers – which, by the way, make excellent nestlet fodder, so thanks. Well, we have our own way of putting the squeak-out on the latest current events, and the medium with the most widespread coverage is our own newspaper, The Rodent Weekly. Here are its latest headlines:
 
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News: Outrage ensues in disabled rodent community following cutting off of Three Blind Mice’s tails by farmer’s wife.
Violence erupted today outside the State Capivole building as angry protesters from the disabled rodent community demanded retribution from Mr. Farmer and his wife following the butchering of the tails of three visually challenged mice with her carving knife. Protestors say they will not rest until a full apology and financial restitution is awarded said mice.
 
Weather: Precipitation forecast shows no chance of raining cats and dogs; safe for rats to go outside.
 
Traffic: Nasty blockage in sewer under Fourth Street is causing 300-yard backup; take Meadow Vole Blvd. as alternate. Mike Rowe and Dirty Jobs Crew expect to have mess cleared by dinnertime.
 
Pawlitics: House of Ratresentatives proposes bill to require registration of all cat-dwelling homes; Flea Party Movement opposes measure citing desire to limit government regulation of rodent affairs.
 
Business: 700 billion cheese crumb bailout thus far unsuccessful in reversing economic downturn; rodent unemployment rates remain highest since The Great Cheesession.
 
Classifieds: Fry cook needed at China House; must be adept at making Cream of Sumyung Cat.
 
Sports: Clayton Capybaras take on Salisbury Squirrels Raturday night at Field Mouse Field. Overflow parking located in 4th Street sewer, as long as blockage has been cleared.
 
Health: Research uncovers high cholesterol levels in cheddar, ricotta, and provolone cheeses; docrats recommend only sparing consumption.
 
Science: Solar flares interfere with ratellites, causing communications difficulties; experts suggest using old-fashioned squeaks until sun activity subsides.
 
Food: Cheese-tasting party to be held at Mr. and Mrs. Smith’s chateau in the Highlands district – bring your appetites and make sure to stay out of sight.
 
Travel: Wisconsin and Switzerland this autumn’s premier travel destinations due to excellent availability of cheese.
 
Fashion: Beaver-skin coats considered faux pas this season.
 
Entertainment: Hamster Dance surpasses Gummy Bear Song as favorite in 4- to 9-year-old demographic.
 
TV Program Schedule: Rattatouille airs on Channel 180 Raturday night, 8:00 p.m. Encore presentation immediately following.
 
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I hope you’ve enjoyed this snapshot into the world of us rodents. By all means, however, do continue to read – and throw out – your own newspapers; they are indeed among the most comfortable materials for building our hovels.
 
Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob

Monday, October 4, 2010

Fat Rat, Flat Rat

 
At long last, after record-setting summer high temperatures and the longest stretch of September days reaching into the 90s or above that Ratlanta has seen in decades, autumn weather has finally come upon us. With the new season comes a crisp, cool touch to the air, as well as the reinvigoration of exercise gurus everywhere who had been forced to stay inside, lest they spontaneously combust (or, if they’re made of rubber like me, melt into a bubbling pool of goo) in the stifling Georgia heat.
 
It’s this sudden drop in temperatures to tolerable levels, combined with the Obamacare legislation that seems to be on everyone’s mind, that I turn to the idea of getting – and staying – in shape. My corpulent rat pal, Gus, to whom I introduced you last week, has one thing to squeak about this: “I am in shape! Round is a shape!” Somehow I don’t think Gus’s veterinarian approves of this point of view.
 
On the opposite end of the spectrum is another rodent friend of mine, Slim, who, if you were to look at him head on, would seem to vanish into thin air: all you’d see is this barely visible line with a few whiskers sticking out on either side of his face. I swear, Slim must literally be two-dimensional! Gus, on the other hand, encompasses dimensions that seem to grow exponentially with each passing day. Neither of them seems to be able to find a happy medium.
 
So with the turning of the seasons, I hope you are able to brush the dust off your whiskers, go outside, and have some fun. Try to find the balance that eludes my ratty comrades, and most of all, get out there and make a friend or two. Just try not to force your fitness-crazed friend onto the friend who thinks that jogging shoes make the perfect nestlet until you’ve known the both of them for a while; to do so would lead to a conflict in wills that’s more volatile than the propensity of an athlete to spontaneously combust in the middle of July!
 
Until next time, be happy and medium.
 
Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob