The Apawcalypse

 
Wow! Last week may have seen many media-worthy events in the rat world (see The Rodent Weekly, Volume 2), but we don’t hold a whisker to what’s gone on with you humans these past several days! From the Center for Disease Control’s May 16th preparedness promotion blog in the face of the Zombie Apocalypse to religious fundamentalist Harold Camping’s prediction of the coming of Judgment Day on May 21st, it’s a wonder that all of you aren’t in the streets waving your hands and screaming, “It’s the end of the world!”
 
I’m certainly not one to squeak doomsday – we rodents scratched a page from history when Chicken Little’s cries of “The sky is falling!” turned out to be dangerously misinformed – so it may come as no surprise that my fur hasn’t been ruffled about all these interesting end-of-world goings-on. (Truth be squeaked, however, my cheese crumbs are on the flesh-eating zombies … hey, at least there’s food involved!) On the contrary, me and mine are happy to be safe in our little hovel in spite of the apawcalyptic predictions, although the pups are upset that they haven’t found an excuse to get out of doing their chores. (The boys in particular give me a constant fuss about having to make up their nestlets in the morning.)
 
I know that there are very strong feelings held by many out there about the end times, so I won’t begin to squeak a statement of belief or banter in one direction or another that may offend someone. My blog by all means is meant to be humorous, but never at someone’s expense. Please, really, take it at muzzle value – laugh along and know that I’m not pawing fun at one group or another. (Except, perhaps, the believers of the apawcalyptic undead. But in case there is an invasion, it’s a good idea to have an emergency preparedness kit and evacuation plan as the CDC suggests.)
 
So in spite of zombies encroaching and worldwide panfleamonium taking place, I hope you and yours have gotten through the week more or less intact, and at the end can draw close together and smile. As for me, I’ll follow the lyrics of R.E.M.’s song “It’s the End of the World” and simply squeak, “It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.”
 
Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob

The Rodent Weekly, Volume 2

 
A great flurry of activity has been going on within the rat community lately, so I figured now was an appropriate time to let you humans view a second installment of our preferred method of media dispersal, The Rodent Weekly. (You may remember Volume One from last October.) Here are the latest headlines regarding what’s up in the rat world:
 
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News: Rat Bailout Causes Concerns in Wake of Floods
Flooding in the Mississippi River is causing major concerns regarding a rodent mass exodus as rats bail out of ships in ratical amounts in the wake of the river’s cresting. Flood shelters, which have been set up in multiple states to house these drowned rats, are expected to reach capacity as rodents arrive in high numbers to escape the murky rush. The American Rat Cross has vowed to provide adequate nestlet fodder and sufficient stores of cheese to support each evacuee until the waters subside.
 
Weather: Last week’s storms expected to carry over into this one – forecasters predict 70% chance of raining cats and dogs Monday through Thursday. Best for rodents to stay inside.
 
Traffic: Recent rains have cleared blockage in sewer under Fourth Street; traffic flowing freely.
 
Sports: Mouse sets new speed record running up and down clock at Hickory Dickory Dock track.
 
Business: Economists predict lower grocery costs – including those for cheese – as oil and gas prices are anticipated to go down, but consumers have yet to set their beady little rodent eyes on the promised price plunge.
 
Classifieds: Job opening at Ratlanta Police Department for rodent able to translate “Hood Rat” squeaks.
 
Health: Mold in blue cheese recently claimed to be unhealthy for rodents, but findings are disputed by residents of cheese-producing regions. More research is needed by lab rats to make a definitive decision.
 
Fitness: Docrats extol virtues of latest exercise product to hit the markets, the Hamster Wheel 3000. The HW3K is said to have been instrumental in helping clock-running mouse train for success at Hickory Dickory Dock track.
 
Science and Technology: New eye-tracking software rumored to replace use of computer mouse in human electronics. Rodents in tech industry pushing for boycott of new product.
 
Music: Justin Beaver concert sold out at Ratlanta’s Fox Theater this Raturday night. (Security not an issue: foxes expected to keep cats at bay during concert.)
 
Events: Ratlanta Food and Wine Festival expected to be a smorgasbord of delight for the culinary-inclined, as it is widely known that cheese pairs particularly well with wine. Attendees are encouraged to feast to their ratty hearts’ delight, but cautioned to stay out of eye shot of humans.
 
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Thanks for sniffing around, and as before, do please continue to throw out your old newspapers once you’ve finished reading them … oh, what comfortable nestlet fodder they are.

Keepin’ it squeak,
Bob

Mother Mouse

 
Oh Mother’s Day, sweet Mother’s Day,
How much we do adore
Our mother on sweet Mother’s Day,
We love you more and more.
  
A rat you met, then did beget
Some great octuplet rice;
For rice is what will fill your hut
When rats are wed to mice.
 
Our tears you cried with us beside
When others stole our cheese;
When whiskers bent, our love you sent;
You kissed away our fleas.
 
Some nights you said, “Kids, go to bed!
You drive me up the wall;”
Though patience taxed, you weren’t relaxed
Yet still you loved us all.
 
We ruffle fur and wrath incur
And nerves we like to fray :o),
But even though you squeak us “no”
We love you more each day.
 
So to you now, please take a bow!
For you’re a Mighty Mouse;
Your pups love you, and Daddy too:
You’re his beloved spouse.
 
Now Mother’s day, oh Mother’s Day,
Remind us in our core
To honor Mom on Mother’s Day,
For now and evermore.
 
With love to Bobette the Mouse from your octuplet rice,
Harry, Larry, Barry, Jerry, Mary, Sherry, Kerry, and Terry

The AristocRats

 

This past Friday the entire world was enratured by the royal wedding of Prince William of Wales to his college sweetheart, Kate Middleton. Among the 1,900 wedding attendees were many members of the United Kingdom’s aristocrats, including singer Elton John, actor Anthony Hopkins, and of course Elizabeth II, the Queen (and Prince William’s proud grandmother) herself. What most of you humans didn’t know, however, is that there were also a number of aristocrats in attendance.

 

Ah yes, the wedding wouldn’t be complete without the presence of the royal rodent high society.

 

… What? You don’t think our kind have peeps (er, “squeaks,” rather) in the higher-ups across the pawnd? How unsqueakable! And just where did you presume all of the immigrant rat stowaways who hid in the bowels of yesteryear’s ocean-traversing ships came from, if not from Europe, hmm? No, it was from there that we hail indeed. And just like with you humans, our more notable (and certainly more well-to-do) cousins have remained in the homeland, and they would by no means miss such an important occasion as the wedding of the second in line to the throne himself.

 

And the pomp and circumstance surrounding the ceremonies was squeaktacular indeed. Of particular note regarding the fashion scene was the stunning array of rat hats worn by the dames … some of which looked better than others. (Most of the attendees were going for a dramratic look, and some stood out as quite rat-tastic while others were downright pawful. I myself am not into hats – they tend to slide off from between my ears – but one thing is for sure: those Brits do indeed have a different fashion sense than we in the States embrace.) Not to be outdone, the sires made sure that their fur was unruffled and their whiskers well-groomed, many of the older gentlerats even curling them into a Q.

 

The procession taking place in Westmuenster Abbey, our royal rodent brethren were quite glad, peeping out from between the legs of the human nobility, to watch the happy couple exchange their vows. But according to the roving rodent reporters who covered the event, best of all was the reception, as the aristocrats had a corner on the market for – you guessed it – the wedding cheesecake. Yes, while Prince William and his bride were cutting a rug on the dance floor, our European elitists stole more than one little nibble from that delectable delicacy, going completely unnoticed by the joyous revelers around them (some of whom probably had just one too many margaratas). And as the reception wound down our cousins silently made their way back into the night and on home to their hovels in the sewers, crossing London Bridge on the way which, thankfully, did not fall down.

 

So today the United Kingdom has itself a new royal couple in which to delight, and the rats of Great Britain too take great pride in that most squeaktacious event which, for a few hours, held the whole world in its paws. And the curly-Q’d gentlerats are happiest of all, for they are still nibbling on the cheesecake that got caught in their whiskers.

 

Keepin’ it squeak,

Bob